If It Kills Me
by JTrojan
Summary: Jane reflects on her feelings for her best friend while listening to Maura sing. Inspired by the song If It Kills Me (From the Casa Nova Sessions) by Jason Mraz. One-Shot.


_**Disclaimer:**__** I do not own these characters or the song used. N**__o copyright infringement is intended._

If it Kills Me

"Maybe we should call it a night," Jane said, her face pressed into her hands. Her shoulders ached, her head was throbbing and she was too tired to feel anything else. "I can't focus anymore."

She stretched back and looked over at Frost and Korsak in search of their opinion on the matter. Frost rubbed his eyes while leaning back in his chair, feet propped up on his desk. Behind him, Korsak was trying to navigate his way through a war zone of coffee cups and pastry wrappers on his desk in search of the pen that was actually tucked behind his ear. It was a little past 10pm and all three of them had been working nearly thirty-six hours straight on their new double-homicide case. Jane knew they all needed a break.

"Is that from lack of sleep or because of what a certain medical examiner was wearing today?" Frost tilted his chair back a little more to look around his computer screen at Jane's reaction.

Jane jerked her head from her hands and glared at him. "Really? You want to go there with me right now?" Frost had caught her staring at Dr. Isles toned backside earlier during a much needed coffee delivery and had been at her about it all day. She tossed a glare Korsak's way in case he started too. Luckily he knew Jane well enough to become interested in an invisible stain on the knee of his pants and to keep his face as straight as possible.

"I'm just asking," Frost chuckled. He continued to give Jane a lopsided, goofy smile in spite of her fierce looks.

"I so regret telling you two anything about it. If you all are done with me I'm going home." She did not wait for a reply but instead grabbed her jacket off the back of her chair and walked out of the homicide unit.

Once in the elevator Jane smiled to herself. Although she feigned anger and frustration every time Frost or Korsak teased her about Maura, she was secretly glad they both knew. It had been a long and depleting two years of hiding her feelings for the medical examiner from her partners. It was still hard on her to keep her feelings from Maura but at least she had some support now with Frost and Korsak knowing.

As she rode the elevator down to the main level, Jane let her thoughts take her back to the day that she confessed her feelings to Frost and Korsak. She finally said the words out loud the day they tipped off Doyle about O'Rouke. Jane had been sick with worry about how to keep Maura safe. It had been harder when they were unsure of which one of Doyle's enemies were targeting but even when they distinguished that it was O'Rouke Jane could not lower her anxiety.

_"I need to protect her." Jane was pacing her apartment with Frost and Korsak watching her closely. The phone Doyle had given Maura was lying on the coffee table between the three of them._

_"There are other ways of doing this, Jane," Korsak tried to sound reassuring but Jane knew there was no other way. They all knew there was no other option. O'Rouke was good and Jane knew that arresting him would not stop the rest of the O'Rouke clan from carrying out any plans of harming Maura. _

_"No! This is the only way to ensure her safety!" Jane screamed at him. She was a good cop but for the first time in her career she knew that she'd have to do the "wrong" thing in order to keep what was right, to protect the brightest ray of light in her life. "I can't lose her. I…I lo…" She turned and looked at the two men on her couch, slightly embarrassed at what she was about to say but too scared to care anymore. In a barely audible whisper she breathed, "I love her."_

_She stared at them in silence, waiting for their shocked gasps or incredulous looks at her confession. But she was the one surprised as both men smiled knowingly at her and then each other. They already knew. _

_Jane grabbed the phone off the table but, before she could flip it open, two hands wrapped around her own. One clammy and cool and the other weathered and warm. Jane looked up at both of them, surprised for the second time that night. "Neither of you have to be here. I want you to have deniability. This call is wrong on so many levels but…"_

_"We do anything to protect what we love," Frost said to her. "And I love this team. So I'm staying right here where I belong: by your side."_

_Jane looked at Korsak, tears stinging the corner of her eyes, who nodded at her curtly. "We're staying. For you and for Maura."_

_"Together then?" Jane let a slight smile pull at her lips._

If only Maura knew now.

The elevator opened and Jane waved at Sam sitting at the check-in desk as she headed towards the building's exit. She took two steps into the parking garage but came to a halt at the sight of Maura's car sitting in its assigned space. Jane checked her watch again to verify it was as late as she thought and frowned. There was no reason why Maura should be here this late. Sam gave her an odd look when she doubled back into the building and hit the down button for the elevator. She shrugged back at him as their eyes met before the elevator doors closed.

Once in the basement Jane surveyed the empty hallway. Light was streaming through the glass doors of the morgue onto the cement floor and Jane heard music coming from within. Letting her feet follow the light and music, Jane peered in to see Maura still there in the clothes she had been wearing earlier in the day. There were several files open across one of the autopsy tables and a thick stack of even more files piled at the end of the table. Jane watched Maura swaying her hips to the music while reading from a file in one hand and taking notes on her legal pad with the other.

Jane opened one of the glass doors only wide enough for her to squeeze through it. Gently shutting the door behind her, she made her way to the counter just inside the room and hopped up on top of it. Before Jane could get comfortable on the work bench, Maura spoke.

_Hello_.

Jane froze. She had been caught. But as she readied a sarcastic excuse to explain her sneaky behavior, Maura continued. Realizing that the doctor was singing, Jane relaxed out of her grimace and leaned back against the morgue wall. Thirty-six hours of fatigue did not seem to matter much in this moment. She was comfortable, at peace…safe. It was something she begun to feel more intensely whenever she was around Maura since the shooting.

_Tell me you know  
Yeah, you figured me out  
Something gave it away  
And it would be such a beautiful moment  
To see the look on your face  
To know that I know that you know now_  
_And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking  
You know nothing_

Jane closed her eyes and let Maura's voice wash over her. She loved listening to Maura sing but it was a rare occasion that she actually had the chance. It had happened once or twice in the car and every now and again when she showed up to Maura's house early and let herself in with her own key. Jane smiled as she remembered the last time she had caught the doctor singing. She had finished up her paperwork early on a Friday night, their movie night, and had arrived at Maura's house an hour ahead of their scheduled meeting time. Maura was dancing around the kitchen, wine glass in hand, singing something in a language Jane didn't understand. So graceful and elegant and yet seductive all at the same time. But Maura had stopped the minute she realized she had an audience, before Jane could really enjoy the scene in front of her. So Jane now reveled in the fact that she had finally caught Maura off guard and could take in the sights and sounds of a Maura no one ever got to see.

_Cause you and I  
Why, we go carrying on for hours on and  
We get along much better  
Than you and your boyfriend_

Maura's nose crinkled in slight disgust at the last line. Stifling a chuckle with her hand, Jane was fascinated at the emotions Maura was displaying while singing. The doctor's eyes were now closed as she continued into the chorus of the song but her face was so raw with emotion. It was an emotion Jane couldn't name, one she had never seen grace Maura's delicate features. A dangerous mixture of pain and sadness was etched across Maura's face. Her voice raw and lower than Jane had ever heard before.

_Well all I really wanna do is love you  
A kind much closer than friends use  
But I still can't say it after all we've been through  
And all I really want from you is to feel me  
As the feeling inside keeps building  
And I will find a way to you if it kills me  
If it kills me_

Jane looked down at the scars on her hands. She had almost died. Twice. And Maura had been there to save her both times. Not necessarily in a physical way but in every other way possible. Of course Maura always had the best remedies for her aching hands but she had healed so much more of her than Jane cared to admit. It was during one of the nights that Maura was taking care of her that Jane realized she was in love with her best friend. Jane had been having a nightmare and somehow fell out of Maura's guest bed on to the floor. When she came to, Jane found herself completely wrapped up in the doctor. Maura was sitting behind her, propped up against the nightstand. One of Maura's legs was around her waist and the other was flush against her own leg. Jane felt one of Maura's hands brushing through her hair while her other hand was flat against her chest, pressing them together firmly but not in a way that made Jane feel she was being overpowered. "Breathe with me, Jane," Maura had whispered into her ear. Jane could feel the rise and fall of Maura's chest against her back and Maura exhaling against her neck. She struggled at first to slow her breathing so that it matched Maura's. Once it was under control Jane had twisted her head back and looked into Maura's eyes. She knew then that Maura was the one, her center, her person, her everything. Jane had then closed her eyes as Maura pressed her forehead against her own and then had gently kissed the tip of her nose. No one else could soothe her as Maura could and she never wanted anyone else to do so.

_Well how long can I go on like this  
Wishing to kiss you  
Before I rightly explode  
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me  
In fact it makes me nervous  
If I get caught I could be risking it all_  
_Baby there's a lot that I'd miss  
In case I'm wrong_

As Maura began the chorus again, Jane could sense that something was amiss. Maura's breaths were becoming shallower and her voice was cracking. Jane watched as Maura's knuckles turned white from gripping the autopsy table so tightly. Tears were spilling over, making streams of mascara down Maura's pale cheeks. Jane didn't know if it was the song, Maura's tears or that her entire being was so completely exhausted from hiding the truth from her best friend that resolved her decision. Whatever it was, she could not help herself anymore.

_If I should be so bold  
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand  
Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man  
But I never said a word  
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again_

She slid off the counter and quietly walked to Maura's side. Placing her hand as gently as possible onto Maura's shoulder so as not to frighten her, Jane pressed her nose and lips into the side of the blonde's head. Maura took a ragged breath beneath her as Jane wrapped her other arm around the smaller woman's waist. She slowly turned in Jane's arms so that the two women were facing one another. Finally exhaling, she pressed her face into Jane's neck. And in the slightest whisper Maura continued:

_And all I really want from you is to feel me_

_It's a feeling inside that keeps building_

Jane lifted Maura's face and watched as she finally opened her eyes. Gently cupping Maura's face in her scarred hands, Jane looked deep into the watery green eyes of the woman she had loved so long and knew she was not wrong. Her love for Maura was something that could not be defined. It was something that went beyond the labels of friends, lovers, soul mates. And, to Jane's relief, it was something reflected back at her from deep within Maura. Wiping the tears off Maura's cheek with her thumbs, Jane leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on Maura's lips silencing the song. It was a kiss that was soft and tender but one that left nothing in doubt for either.

_And I will find a way to you if it kills me  
If it kills me, if it kills me  
It might kill me_


End file.
